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darkness speaks
March 2008 
Free Write: Depression Speaks
Posted on May 25th, 2007
by 
WH
WH
A while back, I mentioned that I was trying to work with my recent situational depression as a subpersonality. One way to work with subs is to allow them to speak whatever is on their mind. What follows is an unedited free write in which I allow my depression to have its say. This is the voice of The Darkness, with some comments from me in italics.
The abyss opens before me, within me.
I am the abyss. No separation. One. I am a murky ocean of darkness swallowing all that comes near.
Depression, my old friend. As always, you have stolen my soul. Broken my spirit. I hate you, love you, loathe you.
I am emptiness. I am a black hole of nothingness. I am naught.
Cessation. The need to stop. Thinking. Feeling. Being. Cessation.
Everything comes undone. Change is the only constant.
But in this place, only nothing. No escape. No relief. Nothing.
I have swallowed your body whole. Useless flesh. Futile anchor. It thinks it exists. It thinks it matters. The body is a fool. The mind even more foolish. Silly ego. Silly self. You deceive yourself that you matter, that you are real.
Being and Nothingness. Only nothingness is real. I am that and I am naught.
All is darkness. Light is the illusion of meaning. Shadows speak the only truth. Darkness is truth.
I am the abyss. I consume all. Interminable darkness.
I am the death of hope.
Strangely enough, I think there is some wisdom in this. Depression is asking me to stop. To just be in emptiness. It's saying that if I wasn't attached to happiness and outcomes, I wouldn't be depressed.
I haven't been meditating as much I should be -- as much as I might when I am not depressed. And meditation might be the best thing for me right now.
.
Access: Public
I was depressed over the Winter holidays. I felt similar to what you describe, although not as bad. During that period, I was comparing myself to people on my path who were having various kinds of mystical experiences and lamenting that I had only numbness. My teacher told me that, in my depression, I was actually closer to seeing the Truth than they were. From your writing, it seems you some knowledge of that.
So rejoice! You are Nothing. And as nothing, there is nothing you “should” be doing.
Depression is just an emotion to just be with like the rest of life. Once we learn embrace everything that comes up and stop pushing things away, something deeper than any emotion is revealed - or so I'm told.
Sorry about telling you what you may already know, but I'm talking to myself as well.
Thanks for putting yourself out there again Bill. I agree with you and Sean, we're nothing much really! This past weekend I sat with a friend and we swapped some depression stories, he just recently had his worst ever. Two of the things we talked about were 1) it's always temporary, it will pass, even though when you're in the thick of it it seems like who you are for sure, and 2) it seems like depression is a message from my soul, indicating an imbalance that is screaming to be dealt with. My latest work has been giving up my own agenda and just going with the flow that comes my way, I'm lighter for it!
Have you read John Tarrant's The Light Inside The Dark? John is the big-khahuna at the Pacific Zen Institute, and his writing is precious, all poetry to me. In this book he talks a lot about healing, and the deep. Perhaps there is some relevant zen-speak in there for those of us who go through this stuff.
Mostly I want to thank you for putting yourself out there for us all Bill. And to wish you some more luck on becoming nothing.
bobJuan.
Thanks guys.
I appreciate the support – and I really appreciate the confirmation that I am on the right path in trying to seeing depression as a teacher.
My best to you both,
Bill
ps – thanks bobJuan, I just ordered the Tarrant book.
I really shouldn't recommend books, no one really enjoys the one's I pass along as much as I do. Tarrant has another one too, Bring Me The Rhinoceros, which I enjoyed as well. I saw him last year, he said there would be another one some day. I hope so.
warmest Bill. Let me know what you think about him will ya?
It sounds like a book I will get something out of, especially since it combines Jung and Zen. I am always open to book recommendations, being the book addict that I am. So THANK YOU, I do think it will be helpful, and if not for me, then for when I finally get to work as a therapist sometime down the road.
I'll drop you a note after I have read it.
All best,
Bill